salty droplets

i know this is my second post in a day, or well blogspot might not put it like that. but i just dont know where to turn. who to talk to. what to do.

im trying to remember the times where i have really cried out of sadness. only once has it been because of an outside person. and all other times, i think it has been because of my mom. i can remember so many times, throughout the years, where i just have felt so sad, because of the things i hear her say, and the things said to her, that i just wept. those salty droplets running down my cheeks. sometimes a few splashing into my lips.

ill add tonight to the list.


im really scared. not for myself. but for everyone else. i really couldnt quite care what happens to me, as long as i know everyone around me is alright.


im so disgusted at things that i have heard tonight.


the only family members that i regularly see and talk to are my mom, dad, brother, sister, brother in law, and my moms parents. it is so weird for me to hear people talk about hanging out with their cousins. a month ago i found out i have another uncle. and 2 weeks ago i found out i have a cousin that got a full ride to stanford. for them i just get the "we dont talk about them." i can honestly say that i hate a ginormous bunch of relatives on my fathers side. i cant believe there are people that can hate me and my family so much. and the funniest part is that they despise me the most. i am always the one brought up when they talk bad. when my brother asked my dads mother why she hates us, her reply was i dont hate you, only anaoshak and your mom. and i really dont care. i really dont care at all what people think of me. i think thats why. if people dont like me its no loss to me. and out of his children, i know my dad is not fond of me. and then i just wonder how things are supposed to work.


i dont care who knows this. ill tell the world. im not ashamed. i dont want pity. i dont know what i want. i tell everybody everything about me. i dont know why. i dont know if its some subconscious act of mine to get everyone to be as close to me as everyone else. i guess i want all my friends to be best friends. i dont know. theres so much more i want to write. but for some reason now i feel like there is stuff i should not disclose. i dont know whats wrong with me. my mom just came into my room and talked to me, and then ended it with me getting my reading done. how can i read when stuff is like this?


right now, i wish i was still at davids house. i would be away from all this. it feels really homey there. i wonder if i like it because maybe i wish my family was more like his.


tonights a night of death cab