here i rest

where disappointment and regret
collide
lying awake at night


death cab's beautiful lyrics are my actuality.



it seems when something bad happens in my life i question why we are here. its something ive thought about since i could remember having thoughts, and its scared the shit out of me. i remember an afternoon on my trip to india when i was 6 and me running to my mom crying, because i was scared of death and didnt really get it. its really weird to think about existence, and why everything is how it is. My humcore class has discussed some of it in philosophy, in the means of love and friendship. figure ill do some of my own philosophizing.


I guess my uncertainty and worrisome view o existance is part of the reason i have such a big problem with religion. I was raised religious. had my nuvjote at 12 and prayed alongside my mother for a couple of years after. i wore my suddra and my kusthi, but then i stopped. I slowly stopped wearing the kusthi and then weeded out the suddra. I wondered why i kept saying prayers in another language when i had absolutely no idea what i was saying. my religion is really old. like really really old. i should be proud of it shouldnt i? and in a sense i am. but i guess i just cant agree fully. i love who its made it. i love that "good thoughts, good words and good deeds" is what im supposed to live by and i try to remember that every chance i get. but something isnt clicking. im not going against the norm just to be different, i just cant buy it. everything needs reason to me. an explanation. well, except love. but other than that, i need to find something concrete to wrap my head around. and i see God as a scapegoat. I see it as a way out for the weak, to have something to fall back on because in reality, its a scary, lonely world. but why do that. why make up some creator and read about him in books over and over again. why should i kneel before a fire, and touch my head to the ground, in praise of some spirit that i cant even prove is there. over the years, the farther i got into science the farther i grew away from religion. science provides a reason for how we are here, and why things happen. and some people beleive in both, their religion and science, but i dont see how that can be. god is such a huge apparition of dudes throughout history. i mean who says those bibles, torahs, qu'rans, or even zoroastrianism's avesta, who says those were written just by some normal dudes. billions of people have blindly followed teachigns without asking why. and i just dont understand.

but i wish i did. i feel that people who have faith in a high being and who practice their religion are much happier. i wish i didnt wonder. i wish i could have that fall back that other people do. i mean when i think about my life, all i can think about is that when im gone, a hundred, a thousand, a million years in the future no one will know a thing about me, if theres anyone left to know anything about. its scary. i was driving in irvine the other day, looking at the uniform roads and the expensive landscaping done, and i just thought what if we left things alone. what if it was just rock and grass and dirt and not all the illusions we have created to make ourselves feel secure and in control. i just cant help but wonder if im dong all this, college, studying, planning, for nothing.


this cant be a good way to think. i cant imagine if i have a family how i would go about teaching my kids religious views at all. its a weird thought. or what problems would come up if i did marry someone of a different belief.


i hate when i get like this. ill wake up fine tomorrow, but right now my brain is just in a totally different place than in my dorm room. i meant not to offend anybody in what ive said, just thinking outloud.



maybe we are here to feel love? or perhaps thats my scapegoat, thats what im relying on for faith.



goodnight.