sorry, but i cant

how those words pierce me like a steel tipped blade. why? because you can, you would just rather not. sometimes i just want to yell. yell so loud that the entire world can here me. yell because i can never come out on top, because i can never be fully content, because i always get screwed over.

random tangents begin.......
NOW

"do you ever feel like you love someone more than they love you?" Arda said one evening in the car after a visit to Fry's. Yes. Holy hell yes. finally im not a stranger. doesnt have to be love, but often times its atleast that i care more about people then they do me. kinda funny cuzz i somewhat felt that way sometimes about the people in that car. and its not like i dont think they care, its just, i know its not as much. but i cant keep expecting that because i will only be let down. i just wish it didnt feel like people cared once something bad happens, i wish it was more regular. like instead of calling me to see if my brother had not locked me out of the house for the entire night, why not just call me? see how things are going, ask me if i wanna hang out, instead of it always being a one way street that i continuously travel down.

i saw tina today. i had missed her. its really good seeing friends you havent in a while.

i miss meaghan. its weird that shes gone. plus if she was here, id probably have something to do everyday. no pun intended.

man it feels good to have this hair cut. its a very summer friendly hair cut.

i hate how i always fall for the pretty ones. one glance, and its hard to get them out of my head.

im a senior. IM a senior. and honestly i think id trade it in, go another year as a junior. i know thats lame, but man its such a big change.

my dogs are so cute. i love them so much. they can lift my spirits up so much when i feel alone. i felt bad leaving them today. i hope i dont ever do that again. when i came home, hazel was happy to see me, but it also seemed like she was scared. like she was mad that i left, and that she was afraid id leave again. i let her kiss me for a good 5 minutes. shes so cute. smidgets a pimp too. dont think i forget about the older one.

i want to make more friends. not to replace anybody, even though i know many conections will die out. i just think ive passed by a couple of people, in my grade, in younger grades, i shall see what they are all about.

i want to go to san jose. i want to disconnect from everything for a little while. i hope i can find the time.

i feel so stupid asking people if they want to hang out. i should stop. sometimes its quite obvious that people dont wanna be around me. its just if i dont ask, then i sit at home alone. i cant believe that it still feels like i dont fit in. kinda lame.

I am very much diggin the song Im Not Over by Carolina Liar right now. go listen.

its weird but i think spring break had a little more summerish feeling than summer does right now. maybe im crazy.

i never thought it would happen, but i actually feel used.


i have the house for 2 more weeks. stop by if ud like.
wow i did it again.

BAH

peace